Why when we talk about sex,its not the same as sexuality

Sex and sexuality

What is the first thought when we hear these two words? Do you identify with it? Have you explored it? Have you explored enough? What’s that gnawing question at the very last bench of your brain. Let’s talk about that.  To begin with, there is a noticeable difference between sex & sexuality. Sex in terms of identity is usually thought of as a given and stable. The act of sex has the potential for being a)playful,joyous,erotic,passionate,romantic and creative or b) traumatic,abusive and violative.  On the otoher hand sexuality is a broader term that denotes a total sensory exprieince of not just the body(or the genitalia) but also of the mind and the spirit.

A person’s sexuality is influenced by his or her values,attitudes,behavior,physical appearance,beliefs,personality,cultural and social conditioning. Sexuality links the human body with fantasy and desire. There is also the aspect of what is considered desirable over a period of time within specific ethnic,religious and class-based groups. This is where gender mediates our experiences of sex and sexuality in a direct way.

Sex and sexuality therefore have many dimensions-relational,recreational,emotional,physical ,sensual and spiritual. These are all interlinked and can not be separated. Procreation is just one aspect of sexual activities. Although sex and sexuality are analytically distinct terms,the term sex is often used to combine both, besides being used to refer to sexual practice or behavior.

Sexual rights and class

Sexual desire and sexual behavior are both intensely physical and at th same time social processes. They cannot be seen apart from the social fabric such as gender, caste, class, religion, abilities, disabilities.

  • The topmost structure that comes in this social fabric is family where the child learns its first lessons in intimacy,love and pain. This is also where the child is introduced to the prohibited and what is allowed
  • Religious policing
  • Community, ethnicity culture ,religious culture and class
  • Then comes on the basis of region and the national political context
  • Which gives birth on the conversation of queer discourse, mobilization of sex workers, local and legal frameworks, trafficking, etc.

In popular discourse on sex, penile-vaginal sex is seen as the only natural and legitimate sexual act.both binary ad non binary womenare deeply conditioned to fulfill a mans sexual appetite. Regressive cultural mythology and the deeply ingrained notion of sacred ‘virginity’ act as controls on women’s sexuality particularly in south-asian culture. Patriarchy accomplishes in controlling the women’s identities which are interlinked to sexuality with the purpose of it being as a means to please/satisfy cisgendered heterosexual men.

The Madonna-Whore divide

This dichotomy sees women from two polarizing spectrum where at one end either the women is good,chaste or bad and promiscuous. Often in the heteronormative environment the heterosexual men see the women from just these two lenses. The Madonna-whore dichotomy sees the effect of how this has often impacted their romantic relationships with women, which in general effects the relationship of the heterosexual men in other relations too. Research supports more generally that endorsing traditional gender roles negatively affects sexual satisfaction for both men and women. At the societal level, greater gender equality predicts higher sexual satisfaction across cultures, perhaps because egalitarian societies place greater importance on achieving sexual pleasure and enhancing closeness through sex. Holding a view of women as either Madonnas or whores not only limits women’s sexual expression, but it creates a false dichotomy and impossible standards. It also strips women of their right to pleasure in the same way that men simply expect it, without question. 


Gender dynamics play a big role in such a scenario. Trnsgender men and women often find it difficult to be accepted as men or women.A boys’ transgression is not treated as outrageous as that done by a girl. It is seen that fathers “accept” and sometimes even approve of girls as tomboys.Given the deep-preference for a son,a transgendered girl goes through such traumatic experiences in their lives. In today’s time when visiting the importance of sexuality we need to revisit the transgender community and the bisexual community where biphobia and transphobia is something that we hear,read or sometimes even see on  daily basis.The education system continues to reinforce the child’s sex and gender identity link recklessly or inadvertently. In most present-day cultures,the core of heteronormativity is formed by sexual difference insisting that humanity can be ‘neatly’ and ‘naturally’ be divided into biological males and females,therefore men and women. As we look at it socially,politically and ideologically the core of this functioning is the binary model of hetero-normativity.Yet,even the body that lies at the heart of this hetero-normative model is never as stable or ‘natural’ as it is made out to be. Intersex people challenge its stability and its resilience. Masculine women and feminine men appears as cracks in this binary structure. Which in turn compels the system to answer what consistutes ‘normal’.

The sex and sexuality difference can be put together in few words at the end of this blog that : ‘Our bodies speak. sometimes they speak differently from the language of the mind,the one made by society and its ideologies. Many a times,the body and the mind could say two different things.’

This post is part of Causeachatter and I am talking about gender.

Books Reviews

The Politics of Love by Jen Jensen- Netgalley ARC

The Republican Party is generally associated with social conservative policies, although it does have dissenting centrist and libertarian factions. The social conservatives want laws that uphold their traditional values, such as opposition to same-sex marriage, abortion, and marijuana.

The Democratic Party’s philosophy of modern liberalism advocates social and economic equality, along with the welfare state. It seeks to provide government regulation in the economy to promote the public interest.

After reading the definitions I hope you must have realized what a thrilling and exciting book this one if going to be. Not only this book focuses on LGBTQIA relationships the United States two strongest parties with such extreme views have found us into a love story.

This book not only talks about a love story but the politics of a point of a view and how sometimes it restricts how we look at another person only through the glasses of a political prism and not for who they are.

A tough job but the author tries to separate a person from how religion,parties,opinion separate one’s friendship/love for a person.

It was emotional for me personally as my partner left me for this very same reason and I don’t see anyone thinking the way I think. The book reminds us how we can have friendships/lovers who have different opinions but alas over the last six to seven years things have taken such a drastic extremism turn in our lives.

You need this book in your life to look at that person without the political glasses and to look at that person again with the eyes of a friend/lover/colleague/passerby/neighbor for who they truly are.

The book releases on 14th July’2020.

Its published by Bold Strokes Books.

Book Cover-kindle edition

Bring back the 1950s playlist!

Is there a song that’s stuck in your head and you just cant get it out of your head and you actually enjoy it and have no problem with it? Yup. That’s me with Mohd. Rafi and Asha duet and Lata and Mohd.Rafi songs.

Of course. I am that old. My playlist consists of songs that maybe your dad and mom listens to and I enjoy every bit of it. Why you ask? So, this is specifically the time period when Mohd. Rafi used to sing for Johnny Walker(another amazing actor but would always get the part of the friend or the drunk guy on the streets)

One of the gems by Mohd.Rafi “ae dil hai mushkil jeena yahaan zara bachke yeh hai Mumbai meri jaan” is picturised on Johnny Walker and sung by the maestro of course. I am talking about the era  of composers like O.P. Nayyar, B.R. Chopra, Madan Mohan the 1950s and the 1960s.

Kishore Kumar had just stepped in the industry and on every radio you could listen to songs of Sahir Ludhinavi and Mohd.Rafi and everyone would eagerly wait for the Geetmala program to start to listen to the golden melodies.

Now you must thinking oh my god. They are so slow.They is nothing pumping about the beats and no song makes me want to dance when I listen to them. This musical era my friend is the era where everyone would sit down take a cup of tea in their hands and enjoy the beats as they flowed through the radios. The music of the 1950s-60 really ignited the real beats of various songs which are recognizable by someone like me.

The song of 2021(if it’s a good song that is) can be recognised that its picked up the same composition and just the lyrics have been changed. The 1950s-60s is also the time when indian music was introduced to Iranian music and many beats of several songs were picked up in various languages which literally make you swoon over the song. 

The exclusivity of compositions where composers and singers would work together they got something magical on the table. There was a sincerity to the prospect of making music because that’s all they could do. Now with autotune(with no offense to the marvelous voices) but we simply cannot deny the lack of simplicity the songs of that era got  singers have so many things they can do.

If they are not singing, they are acting. You know it and you cant deny it. If not acting, then something else. It’s the era of lots of opportunities.

But when Mohd. Rafi,Asha,Lata,Sahir Ludhinavi,Geeta Bali committed to the job and nothing else, magic was created. That is not to deny there weren’t rifts between the singers and Rafi sahib’s conflict with his religious ideology as a devout muslim he left singing.

Rafi sahab’s every song is like the soundtrack of my life. Whether its romance,sad,longing,happiness he could sing every expression on your face and you can feel every emotion when he sings. His songs even right now touch a chord in the heart like no other singer can.

This blog post is for the Blog Chatter Half Marathon in the month of August 2021.



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You know how you have yourself figured out and then someone goes pop! Bursts your bubble. That’s exactly the feeling I had throughout the book. It seems like you have Becca Garner figured out. You go in her past with her, live her present with her and the author focuses on Becca and then realise where the author was taking us.

I loved how Becca is unapologetic and like she says her authentic self along with her husband and her two teenage daughters.

The author explores an identity,a personality that belongs to Becca alone. Often we associate the wife and the mother with the male protagonist but here it’s Becca who takes the lead and she tells you what she wants to.

Ivan writes a lot more about Becca and what was her relationship with the millionaire. What was the thought process behind the story which made her stand at the doorway towards the end.

Becca is smart of course but she is no helpless woman. Her self-awareness makes me fall in love with her and the Murderess. Of course at some point you might think you have figured out who did the crime but this is Becca’s story and only she can tell you her story and the narrative keeps me hooked till the end.

Don’t miss the story of the Murderess out. You are going to love it.



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Oh. My. God. What an enthralling and keeping you hooked from the second word in the book this book was. Caroline Tangent went on various adventures with this time machine and then how she comes through the timelines and the incidents that took place in the book.

Caroline Tangent as a black woman in America or England is also shown how the world changed over time and how some things never changed.

The time travel keeps you hooked and the scientific aspect behind the concept keeps you hooked as you want things for the better for Caroline.

The bonds the main character makes with every other character keeps you gripped to what will happen next with her because as the writer explores once you start playing with time it is a risky game and the narrative has a thrilling yet scary experience for the reader.

The relationship of Caroline with her husband is out in the open and though the writer explores their relationship with undertones you realise the kind of husband Jon is and what Caroline lives through in the marriage.

When Caroline gets the shock of her life in one of her time travel changing the entire trajectory of her life is when the you really start looking at Caroline’s life and you don’t know what lies ahead for Caroline and is she able to travel to her own timeline.

The other times of Caroline Tangent is engaging,fun, thrilling and exciting at every paragraph and it’s unputdownable.I read it at a slow pace but oh you will stay glued to it once you start reading the book.

Don’t waste time and get your copy of the book today.



Visual Representation Of The Book Cover-kindle format

A book that goes through the times of War and where no one can trust anyone. The book starts on a comical bend but soon takes a dark turn where everyone is a suspect

I really loved the thrill and the mystery of the story which leads you to a nail biting situation in the narrative.

The author also emphasises on the concept of war and how no mercy is given when it comes to war. No one is spared

The narrative further explores the mystery and every incident makes you think you would think you have figured out but the surprise element keeps you hooked till the last page.

I really enjoyed the detailed actions that are shown in the book which literally transports you in that world and it feels like you are standing in the book and seeing everything happen in front of you

The Assistant is a strong thriller that not only gives the delight of the twists and turns but also gives you a spectacle of a war.

Get this book. You will certainly enjoy this.